It’s Square to be Hipster

In the trendier Northern Melbourne suburbs, discrimination is on the rise.

Female hipsters are finding it increasingly difficult to be as ‘hip’ as their male counterparts.

Nony Bimbrudge told us; “it’s just not right. We thought hipster beards would have been ‘out’ by now. It’s been a couple of years and there’s still loads of them around. It’s difficult to find a barista round here without a beard. Just cos you’ve got a beard doesn’t mean you can make a good coffee. Us girls are at a distinct disadvantage, we can’t grow beards. Which makes it harder for us to be totally hip, or get a barista gig. We’re biding our time, waiting tables. But watch out! When beards go out of fashion things will be different, you’ll see.”

We asked Professor Janet Sobe’it, a researcher at the University of Cool in Paris, if and when beards would become surplus to trendiness. She told us; “Ordinarily when a fashion element, such as a beard, enters mainstream culture, the hipsters drop it like a bland potato. But here that isn’t the case. Beards have already infiltrated mainstream society, yet hipster men are still wearing beards. This is unprecedented.”

We probed her further and asked why this anomaly has occurred. She said; “whilst we don’t have definitive data, we have historical references that suggest hipster men are lazy bastards. The simple truth is they’re out of the shaving habit. And no amount of bearded accountants will convince them to fire up their razors. This means the female hipster is going to have to accept she’ll be waiting tables for a while yet. There is hope, we’ve been working on a hormone to help women grow hipster beards, There may be some side effects. Like confusing the streets of Brunswick¬†for Compton. But that’s a small price to pay for equality, oui?”


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