It’s a widely held view that in fifty years no one in England will have an accent. We’re not sure what this means, after all, even robots have an accent.
A motion has been tabled in parliament this week to save the British regional accent. We spoke to the chair of the Save Local Accents Group (SLAG), Elizabeth Umbridge. She told us, “A few of us snuck out of prime ministers question time and headed for the ‘Sump and Spanner.’ A 14th-century pub around the corner traditionally frequented by mechanics. A man with oily hands and terrible fingernails called ‘Dave’ told us in fifty years they’ll be no regional accents. We then started a debate about which accent would become dominant. It became apparent that we could all end up sounding like the Beatles. The member for Chipping Enfield said, “F**k that, my parents spent a fortune on this ridiculous accent, something must be done.” So after fifteen gin and tonics, SLAG was born.”
We probed Elizabeth about SLAG’s plan of action. “First of all, we’ve asked all British rappers to re-record they’re songs. We want them to use language that’s traditionally relevant in relation to their geographical location. We’ve asked Dizzee to replace the word ‘bitch’ with ‘slapper.’ He was reluctant because he couldn’t think of any good words that rhymed with ‘slapper.’ We suggested ‘Rapper’ and he hung up. We’ve begged Mr Manuva to stop referring to Hennessy cognac in his rhymes. He told us he doesn’t and sent us his lyrics to prove it. We were relieved to see a reference to a working-class brew called ‘Bitter.’ So he’s in the clear. We’re also planning on changing American rappers anthems to promote our cause. ‘Straight out of Bolton.”F**k the Rozza’s.’ The possibilities are endless.”
We then asked Elizabeth if SLAG would give up the cause if they’re motion failed? She looked flabbergasted, “Gosh no, we’ve decided the best plan of defence is to attack. We’re planning on spreading our regional accents across the world. In fifty years people in Delhi will still speak Indian, but with a Yorkshire accent. Moscow will embrace Cornish tongue. And the monks in Bhutan will sound like they went to Harrow or Eaton. Words getting out. Snoop Doggy called me the other day and said he thought we were ‘whack.’ I corrected him, I said it’s ‘bonkers,’ not ‘whack.'”